The Death of Heart
by Erythrina Cristagalli
Summary: When she had to say goodbye to the one who loved her. When she fell under sweet-promises of the one who despised her. All she could rely on were reasons, necessities, and her greatest wish. Mao, Lelouch, Shirley, in C.C.'s PoV. Pairing was very subjective


Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass.

AN/: Okay, It's my version part of cannon. It took place along mid of Eps 15 toward Eps 16 Season 1 in C.C. POV. All speeches inside quote-form ("...") was taken from those eps. eng-sub version. This is it, please enjoy!

**The Death of Heart**

As Lelouch turned with her temporary-invalid body in his arms, she saw that smile in his lips. A kind of malicious lopsided smile when he claimed victory and his revenge over his enemy. A cold shiver went down through her spine. No, he couldn't do that. He shouldn't do that.

"Lelouch, wait. He's just a boy. If I talk to him, I'm sure he would..." But she never finished her plea. Mao said something which trigger Lelouch's command on those polices.

"Fire!" She could hear the sound of a dropping fire filled the air. Her heart was wrenched. No. No. No! She wanted to struggle from her carrier—punch him if necessary—so that she could run and shield her little Mao. But all she could do was turn her head toward him. Her body failed her.

"MAO!" She cried in her desperate effort. First time in her long cursed life, she wished that she could heal faster. She wished that her cursed Code worked faster. She saw Mao fell to ground as bullets were planted and passed his body and shed his blood. All her remaining hope was vanished into thin air.

-0-0-0-

She couldn't shed her tear despite her crying heart. She had stopped to cry since long time ago. She was too tired to cry more. Or maybe, her tear was simply drained out since she had lost too many of her precious over centuries— ones she looked up, apprentices, friends, confidants, lovers. Her face showed a tired emotionless feature.

She couldn't comprehend why she still sat meekly on his lap in this narrow passenger space of helicopter. Lap of very person who ordered to kill her Mao. And for what? Because he somehow knew that she agreed to meet Mao so he wouldn't kill him? No, it wasn't strong enough reason. Because Mao used that ginger-girl to killed him. Because Mao forced him to lost his precious friend—ah, right, his lover. Because Mao tried to save her from him by prevent him from granting her wish.

Even though he obviously heard Mao's intention to leave him and his little rebellion alone, life and perfectly funcional... Mao clearly said he didn't care about him if he could get her. It's improbably Mao would leak his secret if he could get her. By his position, he unlikely hadn't heard that.

Shouldn't she shout at his stupid 'heroic' act? Hit him. Pull out his hair. Shot him down. But she couldn't bring herself to hate him. Instead, she hated herself more. And what was she could get from that other than some self-satisfaction? Futhermore, it would slipped her chance to get her wish. Hadn't she left Mao for her wish? Because Mao loved her too much to take her life? While Lelouch despised her enough to wish for her dissapearance?

She felt Lelouch tightened his arm around her and slightly stroked it on her back. His chin rested on top of her head while his stony stare was straight foward. His embrace was so warm that she felt all her defenses would crumble anytime. How could he be so warm while he could killed Mao so coldly?

Mistaken her uncontrolable trembling as sign of fear and his too thight embrace on her still pained wounds, he lossen his embrace to a protective-gentler one.

"He couldn't hurt you anymore," he murmured in her ear, shocked her. It made some unshed tears stung her eyes. Why did Lelouch have to be so gentle? Why did his pride have to be so high that he felt obligation to protect her from Mao? _Her_ of all people. She silently held her tears by shutting her eyes thightly.

Killing her own griefing heart, she hid her face in the crook of his collarbone. She was indeed a despicable woman. Lelouch never know that Mao loved her, that Mao wouldn't ever wish to hurt her if he could afford—if he wasn't insane, that Lelouch had hurt her by hurting Mao. How could Lelouch be so gentle and cruel at the same time?

She wouldn't deluded herself as a tragic-heroin. Far from it, she was a witch—an opposite character of heroin. She had thrown away her human side. Kept information for herself. Refusing to lie, she twisted her answer to hide the truth. She selfishly used him to reach her goal. She was a black-hearted witch. She shouldn't feel conscience of any kind afterward. She shouldn't feel this tortured by the result of her own acts.

She had felt pity and attachment toward Mao. She had sympathized his circumtance as she saw herself in him. It was a big mistake—the reason of Mao failed her by fallen in love with her. A mistake she wouldn't repeat. So, she would keep her distant. She wouldn't allow Lelouch ended the same way as Mao did. And she would warn him that he shouldn't be pitiying or feel any kind of attachment toward her.

-0-0-0-

Pain. A great deal of pain was devasting her. She left him alive more than once. She hoped that he wouldn't show himself before Lelouch again. But, she never expect that he would fell down this far.

She looked at his tall and matured form as he run out from the building. The memories of his tender gaze, his fondly words, his loving caresses, his love-struck behaviours and his dogged devotion flooded into her mind. Just how could her gentle Mao become so blinded by revenge that he used a cripple-blinded little girl to avenge Lelouch?

" I did love you, Mao." He turn at her with glee plastered on his face for seeing her again as he run toward her. She looked at those red evil eyes which had been as pure as a spring water a long time ago. At his hopefull eyes. At his affectionate wide smile. Even at that time. When he was crushed under isolation and insanity. When it's too late to save him. When he was broken beyond repair. He still smiled toward her.

It was all because she couldn't bring herself to kill him. Even after Lelouch made an obvious point about that. Because of her stupid hope, that he could find another love and stand up before this heartless world... without her. That it didn't have to end like this.

And her heart was bleeding as she saw his happy and hopefull eyes although her love had change into a mere sympathy. Although, how she still had a heart after all of her effort to kill it was beyond her comprehension.

In the end, she still couldn't stop the inevitable came. She couldn't stop it in countless times of the past. How could she hope for different in the present?

"Go in advance and wait for me..." Steeling her heart, she raised her gun.

"... in the death's world." She killed him by her own hands as she admitted his will in another way, not to live without her.

And she truly meant her statement. Because she still desired her greatest wish—the very wish Mao had denied. Because he might be the only person who could love her. Probably the only person who purely loved her. Even though she was a complete stranger for him.

As expected, she felt another some part of her died along with him.

-0-0-0-

Somehow, Lelouch had Suzaku helped him to disspose Mao's body. That night, she got out from her hiding place and came to where she killed him. There, she saw Mao's audio player. Was it slipped from his pocket and forgotten while they carried his body?

She remembered when they live in a far mountain of Kunlun. In solitude. Just the two of them. So quite. So peacefull. So isolated. If she had felt content of that kind of live, giving up the wish she worked so hard for centuries, would they be happy? Would he not be killed?

She knew that was unlikely. It was just another wistfull thinking. Even though she withdrawed from Ragnarok Plan, Charles would use all mean to collect her. Even though he didn't kill Mao, when Ragnarok Connection had worked, it wouldn't be any different. Even though somehow Mao wasn't killed and Ragnarok Plan was failed, he still would die and left her all alone.

Even though somehow they could life as pair of immortal, could she bear watching as consequence of Code degraded him further more? And someday, when there was someone willing to take her Code, could she leave this world while knowing it was under mercy of a lunatic Code-Bearer? Was there any other alternative for their end?

Slowly, she picked the audio player. Trembling, hesistatly, she pushed the switch on.

"Good morning, Mao...Do you have a nice day today, Mao?...Mao...I love you, Mao...I'll always be with you, Mao...Mao?...Mao..."

She was terribly broken. It felt like she could break in tears at any moment. How could she wasn't broken? And it frightened her because she had forgotten how it felt for centuries—untill that moment. It frightened her more because she couldn't even spill her tears. She couldn't weep. Never. She had reached the point of no-return a long time ago.

"_I need you, C.C." _

"_I will not say it twice. ...Thank you." _

"_I don't know why snow was white. But I think it is beautifull.' _

"_C.C ..., don't leave me. Stay by my side!"_

"_I won't be crushed by my geass. I will bring both of my goal and yours into reality. It's a contract. Now, which I offer to you."_

She felt coldness warped her. Her only choice was to move foward. Hence, she would become Lelouch's confidante, assist him to reach his goal. All along, she wouldn't let him get near of her heart—Ha, what heart? Her last piece of heart was surely died along with Mao.

Then, she would make Lelouch hate her enough when the time had come. The time when he was capable to take her Code. She would ensured that Lelouch wouldn't refuse her wish. That she would die before she forgot about Mao. She would believe in Lelouch's part of pact. So, she would leave Ragnarok Plan—even though she agreed of the idea, it still was impudent act toward God.

-0-0-0-

AN/: Heart is a mysterious thing, isn't it? It could be broken, withered, frozen, or died many times. Still it could be ressurected with right approach. Someone could try to killed it numerous time, yet, it always be there in unexpected time.

Yes, I know it is quite shocking to have this kind of fic from a LXC fan such as me—it shocked me as well. For it can be seen as MaoX C.C. But I think, C.C. loved him as well—whatever kind of love it was.

And, come on, Mao really had potent to take C.C.'s Code. So, if C.C.'s claim was true—she claimed "...as I said before, I merely used you (Mao)..."—she wouldn't allow this rare chance to be slipped just because Mao's insane. To a certain point, she was being responsible of her Code as she didn't passed her Code to an obviously lunatic. Beside, she would be able to kill him in Clovis' Land if she really didn't care about him—her shooting ability was okay. And Mao really said that he came to save her from Lelouch. Mao really did love C.C. It only made sense if he knew about her wish but denied it. Moreover, C.C. truly said that she had loved him (It isn't just my imagination!).

It wouldn't be unfair to condemn Mao for manipulate one girl (Shirley )in his effort to save his lover while we praise Lelouch for wreak havok wars, manipulated a whole nation's people and did carnages only to keep one girl (his sister) safe and avenge one woman (his mother)'s death. Don't fancy yourself that his rebellion was for freeing Japan (His reason to fight againts Britannia only changed after Nunnaly became Viceroy and Rolo's death). It doesn't mean that I began to hate Lelouch. Not at all. But, double-standard still is an abominate thing, even if it comes from a protagonist.

Btw, I felt quite frustated as I realize that "Masquerade" by Hitomi always played only for LelouchXShirley moment. If you get all of its lyrics, I think you would get what I mean. Meanwhile, I'm sort kind of audiences who didn't want to antagonized the original author—Otherwise, I felt as if I were a badman, errr, badwoman.

Honestly, it became my biggest obstacle to write or merely publish any LelouchXC.C. fic. I know that it make me a bad fanfiction writter. But I don't believe in "snatch your man from other girl" either—it felt terribly wrong.

Whoa, what a long author note! Feel free to skip it. Anyhow, please review if you have time. But don't flame. Have mercy on me.


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